Richard French's ipad

No problem

Or not, as the case may be. Many friendly locals here in Kwa Zulu Natal uses this Aussie-borrowed expression to answer almost every request, be it as simple as the availability of a poolside towel, a restaurant table or parking space.

There is however a problem on the one-time Moore Road in Durban, a wide and Jacaranda-lined boulevard on the yester-year but still slightly snobby Berea ridge overlooking the city. Here, on this avenue, lined with ex-grand colonial houses with their wrap-around verandahs and splendid Arts and Crafts and Deco decoration, trouble brews. Today, these mini-palaces no longer house efficient and brisk colonial administrators, sugar barons or Memsahibs who instructively gardened from the shade aided by squads of willing and sweaty helpers. No, today the grand houses are in the hands of restauranteurs, sellers of foxy fashion, shabby-chic designers and up market B and B's. And herein lies the problem because Moore Road is no more.

Meet Problem Mkhize Road. 

In the flurry of name change madness that has swept South Africa those that hung out elegantly on Moore Road woke up one morning to find that, in fact they now resided on Problem Mkhize Rd (just around the corner from re-branded Chez Guevara Drive don't you know?. And so on, and so on. Name change is fine in my book but who is really to decide whether, for example,  that nasty (although revered in certain quarters) Hendrik Verwoerd whose name adorned Durban's old flying field, killed more than the barbaric but now canonised King Chaka of Durban's eponymous, expensive and splendid new airport. But with Problem Mkhize comes a problem. No problem that nobody knows who he is or was or may be. Easy-going South Africans have bigger issues to worry about - surf, sun, crayfish  and the like. The problem with Problem is his name. An irate letter to the editor of the local rag daily Natal Mercury from a prominent local B and B owner operating on said street protests of the difficulty of selling pricey digs on Problem Mkhize Rd to posh clients. The name just does not cut the right image, she says. I see her point.

But surely the solution would be to re-name the B and B 'No Problem on Problem Mkhize'. Fame and fortune would surely follow.

Problem is that here, they just don't see things that way.

Richard French

   

Stephen O'R's Sydney

The Gloves have come off in the leadership tussle in the labor party. After days of building tension which even sucked the oxygen out of the opposition’s endless moronic whining, Kevin Rudd the Foreign Minister who was usurped played
his hand by first resigning his job whilst still in Washington DC but nothis seat or declaring he will be standing for leadership of the Paliamentary Party. He said that he was not supported by the Prime Minister when he was
criticised by some in the party for destabilising the party.  Next our Julia handed out a statement saying he had done his job well but that he had not called to discus his resignation with her.
Next the Deputy Prime Minister and Treasurer Wayne Swan really got stuck into old Kevin saying he was dysfunctional and generally a hopeless Prime minister and that he had had to be got rid off and had no support and was just deliberately trying to wreck the Labour party. Like go Wayne don't hold back!
So now there will be a spill and a vote on Monday Julia's mob are talking tough and it sounds like they are really sure she will win. Big question is what will Kevin do if she does.
If she does it's pretty much a certainty that there will be an election and there will be little love for the Lobour party out there in the hustings plus the other mob have a tremendous amount of financial backing from the rich looney mining mutters. On top of that Queensland (Kev’s home state) has never forgiven the Labor mob for sacking their boy as PM - he was a very
popular PM.
So a big wipe-out looming for Labor with the only thing going for them is that Tony Abbot - The Mad Monk is very unpopular almost as unpopular as Julia.
Pure Shakespeare. If they are anything like me the vast majority of voters must be in despair. No one to vot for in compulsory voting system. The year of the split ballot I predict.
In his book "The Sweet Spot" Peter Hartcher explains what a great position Australia is in compared to most of the world but he also points out how easy it would be to throw it all away and I think we just might see that happen in this next year or two.
It will be a community effort from most of us who call Austraya home. Our ignorant lazy politicians blinded by self interest voted in by an uneducatedpublic watching fake real life and corrupt repetitive sport sponsored by alcohol and base consumptionism kept ignorant by a Murdoch dominated and subservient state media and a greedy lazy tax avoiding big business class led by the monopolistic banks who feed of small business offering little and taking much.
How long before we sit in the nursing homes looking up at the Somalians feeding
us and say "we could have been a content endear."
Nah just messing wiv yer heds!
Stephen O’R.

BBC, Radio 4 Extra

Hello again
Way back in 1961, the director/producer Bernard Miles gave Spike Milligan his first straight acting role, casting him as Benn Gunn in the stage production of Treasure Island at London's Mermaid Theatre.
According to Dame Edna's alter ego Barry Humphries, who joined the cast in 1968 to play Long John Silver, Spike "stole the show every night." (Incidentally, Barry Humphries is now married to our old friend Lizzie Spender, with whom we bought our house in London – she and Barry still live there! Ed)
Comedian, writer, musician, poet, playwright, actor and artist, Spike was described by Bernard Miles as "a man of quite extraordinary talents ... a visionary who is out there alone, denied the usual contacts simply because he is so different he can’t always communicate with his own species."
Sadly this tremendously talented ‘visionary’ died 10 years ago, just before midnight, on 26th February, 2002.
To commemorate this anniversary and celebrate Spike Milligan's life and work, we at Radio 4 Extra decided we simply had to produce a 3 hour ‘special’ programme: The Spike Show: Milligan Remembered. And who better to introduce his programmes and share her memories of the man himself than his agent, manager, confidante and friend for 36 years, Norma Farnes.
Norma is a legend in her own right, having published several books about Spike, both memoirs and compilations of his poems.
She was delighted to be asked to choose material for this celebration, and, rather than come into our studio to record, she invited us to The Spike Milligan Production Office at Orme Court, London, where Spike was based and worked for many years. There is a blue plaque on the building to commemorate him.
We were ushered into Norma's spacious office, where the atmosphere of Spike is inescapable. A vast collection of his books, framed photographs, cartoons and various other Milligan memorabilia are all around, including a bust of Spike, on which he had comically added a Hitler moustache, reminding me of his hilarious book Adolf Hitler, My Part in His Downfall.
It was also interesting (and quite moving) to see, tucked away beside a large carved oak sideboard, his portable, manual typewriter, on which he must have bashed out thousands if not millions of words throughout his prolific career.
Norma was full of entertaining anecdotes and facts about her working relationship with Spike, and our producer, Sarah Wade has recorded enough material to make several 3 hour programmes!
The ‘special’ will of course, include a selection of Spike's radio work, such as his favourite Goon Show (The Fear of Wages), Vivat Milligna, In The Psychiatrist's Chair, and Fleas, Knees and Hidden Elephants.
Sarah will be burning the midnight oil to edit all this fascinating material together and to have it ready for the transmission date - Saturday 25th February!

Mary Kalemkerian Head of Programming, Radio4 Extra

Cover caption

Photo: Roger Morton

Outside the Royal Academy where David Hockney’s ‘A Bigger Picture’ is exhibited. Totally booked out (and understandably so) we were very lucky to be able to see it. In this present dismaying financial crisis and viewed in the middle of winter (after having been snowed in, in Oxford) his extravagantly exuberant colours were right on the nail. ed

Richard French's ipad

ALL THE NEWS THAT IS NOT FIT TO PRINT.

A pretty quick window into local, life happenings and culture is to grab the daily morning paper on the way in from the airport. So it is in Cape Town where this morning's Cape Times reports a galaxy of wondrous happenings, news that is hard to come by in other climes. Sadly the Cape Times, that one-time bastion of apartheid resistance, the then newsrooms staffed by Verwoerd, Vorster and Botha's jailed editors, many of whom opted for running blank spaces where the censors scissors had been busy, has been dumbed down more than most. It is, of course, hard to blame the management in these times where, globally, electronic media is calling all the shots. In South Africa, this situation is exacerbated as editors try and try to attract the huge new and expanding, if still less educated, black readership. However this should not spoil our fun.

Here's a choice selection of stories and headlines that add a frisson of excitement to the reading of this morning's paper.

- South Africa's lone Winter Olympic skier and his coach travelled economy to wherever it was whilst five Olympic Committee officials travelled up front. The competitor came last. The officials did not ski.

- Mountain rescue vehicles turned back on the famous Chapman's Peak toll road because the driver had no coin for the toll.

- A Table Mountain bird man base-jumper to be charged because he had no licence to fly - in spite of the fact that he nearly killed himself on the way down.

- Australia approves the launch of a new confectionery bar romantically named Nucking Futs - on the grounds that the word Fucking is a part of modern Australian language. Mind you, the bar is not to be marketed to kids. As if.

- Dung Beatles Dirty Dancing helps them to Have a Ball. Apparently said beetles roll elephant wet dung into a ball before proceeding to their nest with the booty.

Can't wait for tomorrow's paper.

RICHARD FRENCH